Currently working on the first draft of my next book (7th and follow up to my first) and been combing through my magical journals that cover more than the past 27 years. That was some going. Nine pages of references/bookmarks extracted, and I’m not sure what to make of the embryonic early steps and how they turned out. Many I’m proud of; some not quite so. Interesting how my practices have changed and developed. One thing is clear though. Still as confused as I was when I started.
I shudder to think of some of the nonsense I’ve spouted in the twelve or so years I’ve been Kemetic, and the nineteen years I’ve identified as some sort of pagan. I think we all evolve with our practices, it does us or the gods no good to stagnate.
I have some of my early Livejournal blogs and, though there are some pearls of wisdom and realisation, most of it reads as an eager little noob pagan, desperate to be accepted by the community and by the gods. I like to think I am more chilled out and a little bit wiser now but I bet 40 something me will look back and cringe all over again!
That I so true. In the spell crafting workshops I’ve over the years I tell the noobs to just go for it, you have to experiment and learn with the failures, there is little risk early on, and as the experience comes so too more responsibilities etc.
While all the silliness I’ve had I saw in my journal I sort of feel was some kind of pointless waste, but on the other hand how do experience come?
Do what you feel you need to do, regret none of it, all experience good or bad is experience.
I used to feel extremely connected to the gods then i started having anxiety about pleasing anpu and they would come and tell me im doing well calm down. Eventually i lost my connection but im gaining it back I’m not worried I’m failing anpu.
That’s the way. I’m currently going through another phase of feeling less connection, even though for the past two years I’ve thrown my self back into Kemetism to the exclusion of all else. Then, the weekend some amazing things happened and I feel that while I think I’ve lacked connection, the opposite is true and have been doing what they wanted anyway.
Our own anxieties can be our own worst enemies. So long as we truly maintain Ma’at and the love of our gods in our hearts they will be there always I feel.
See I’ve got a story but I’m a bit afraid to tell it makes me sound like a total lunatic. But I know in a dream i was told its my emotional state thats blocking then
Lunatic? Nah, don’t worry about that, we all are here. In fact you will find pretty much every single pagan out there feeling like that for much of the time. Its the way we have to process the very strange things we experience once we’ve opened the door. Sometimes I do wish they would bugger off, but hey, they have my back.
I found that over time, I am relying less and less on what others say I should do, and trust my instincts more. I do what feels right for me, and feel it is well received by the Neterus. I’m sure I’ve still got a long way to go, don’t get me wrong. But I’m loving the process of making up my own personal practices eg I have altars at home but also use my car as my personal travelling temple. It has a statue of Anubis on the back shelf, and has been customised with many amulet symbol stickers. One of my safe happy places to go.
